Put the guns into our hands and we will use them. Give us the slogans and we will turn them into reality. Sing the battle hymns and we will take them up where you left off. Not one not ten not ten thousand not a million not ten millions not a hundred millions but a billion two billions of us all the people of the world we will have the slogans and we will have the hymns and we will have the guns and we will use them and we will live. Make no mistake of it we will live. We will be alive and we will walk and talk and eat and sing and laugh and feel and love and bear our children in tranquility and security in decency in peace. You plan the wars you masters of men plans the wars and point the way and we will point the gun.
“
| — | “Johnny Got His Gun” by Dalton Trumbo |
Toys in the Attic
The other day I told my mom what the school psychologist told me, that I have manic depression and a anxiety disorder. I had avoided telling her for over a year because I was afraid of what she might say. It turns out I was right to.
She told me if I had any problem its from sending too much time by myself. I do have friends and we hang out when we can, but not always because of class, work or studying. I am not really the type of person who goes out to clubs or bars or anything. She told me that in a few years I would be out of school and working full time and that would not permit me time to have “mood swings” or to “feel sorry for myself”, as she put it. I tried to explain what manic depression was but she didn’t understand. She told me that a routine would help me. This being get up, go to work, go to bed, as opposed to get up, go to class, go to work, go to bed and repeat. In the same conversation she told me that something had been occupying my attention and “taking over my life”. I can’t think of what that could be. Literally, it is nothing because when I do have time off, I don’t know what to do with myself. I only have my routine. I’m not sure how substituting one routine for another will help me, but she does not seem to know what a mental illness is or how to cope with it.
After she told me her solution to my problem, she told me to make perfectly sure that I do not tell anyone because it would be embarrassing to me and the rest of the family, and last thing I needed was for people to think I was crazy. It would only serve to make me look like “a fool”. She told she would call back later, she was getting ready to leave for the outer banks and she just did “not want to have to deal with this right now”.
I am starting to realize how alone I really am.
