Sometimes I think my emotions are broken. 

I have known for some time that I am manic depressive. But, sometimes that does not explain some of the things I go through. Some times I cry for no reason and sometimes something happens that should upset me but doesn’t.

About 30 minutes ago my mother called me and told me that my great-aunt Polly had died. I don’t feel it yet, but I am sure that it will cause me to break down soon. It was kind of a forgone conclusion. Aunt Polly is 81 years old. Her health had been failing for some time. It was not that much of a surprise. I should feel upset right now because I loved aunt Polly to bits. Why do I not feel anything now? 

I am so fucked up that even I can’t believe it.

I don’t know if I am in some kind of a rut or maybe I am getting old and cynical, but I find it harder and harder to enjoy new things. 

Mostly I mean in terms of music. I like industrial music. Two of my favorite bands in that genre are Ministry and KMFDM. I try listening to newer industrial bands but it doesn’t hold a candle to them. I want to find something new and exciting, but nothing really stands out. I found one band that combined industrial with black metal. Normally that would be a winning combination but they sucked. I have found some really good heavy metal bands, some of them from friends, like Legion of the Damned and Naildown. But I always seem to find myself going back to the same old sensations. 

Maybe I am getting old. I would believe it. 

I try to find new stuff that is also familiar, if that makes any sense. 

To any one reading this, if there is something heavy that you think I would like, drop me a line, huh? As long as there is a tuned down guitar in there somewhere I will be happy.