I had awkward moment when I walked into a shop for the third day in a row and the same clerk was there.

After struggling to get my rent and bills paid on a minimum wage job that had me working 7 days a week gives me no idea what to do with myself on my days off. It was worse, I guess you could say, with this three day weekend brought on by MLK day. I find myself on a pattern of visiting the same shops. Sometimes I buy something, sometimes I don’t. If I encounter the same shop clerk it becomes kind of awkward. I think that they think I am up to no good for one reason or another. Or, having someone there who doesn’t buy anything is just annoying to them. I try to make it better but make it worse by asking banal or redundant questions. 

I wish I had more money. Then I could go somewhere. 

But I hate to travel unless I am with someone. A catch 22 situation. I hope March gets here soon. I want to go to that horror convention. 

I traded in my gift cards at Barnes and Nobel finally. I came away with three new books. One is a collection of Cthulhu mythos stories, a Godzilla graphic novel and “The Last Unicorn” by Peter S. Beagle. That is an odd combination, but I made some tough choices, but the books I passed over I can get cheaper online. 

Mom went on a bit of a rampage when she realized how much time I had off from work for the holidays. She brought up the fact that a local restaurant needed waiters and waitresses for New Year’s Eve and how we both could have made money. WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO WORK ON NEW YEAR’S EVE?! I’ve done that before and it sucks ass! She also got on my case that I did not FIND A PART TIME JOB TO WORK DURING MY VACATION! Because by the time the application process is finished, I am back at my real job! On top of that she told me that I need to get a weekend job and it would not do for me to do anything else than apply online for a job at the local hospital. That is exactly what I need! Someone who works 8.5 hours a day, five days a week, with only weekends off and fucked up immune system needs to use up all their free time to work a minimum wage job in a fucking disease infested hospital. I just got over the flu. I have been sickly my whole life. If it is going around, I will catch it!

Like most of her unrealistic schemes I just nod my head and smile until she forgets it. She started acting like dad in that she gets super pissed over something that you cannot do or preform immediately because you are not doing it right then and there. Like getting mad at you for not going to the post office on Sunday… when it is closed!

Another thing was trying to get me to apply for jobs that I am not qualified for. She must have said “this looks good! Apply for it!” Even though it says you need a Master’s Degree and after 3 failed attempts to get in the damn program I took a break. 

Ugh… 

I wish she was this tough on my jailbird, junky sister. Maybe she would not have ended up in prison.

But I am complaining too much. We really did have a good time. I had a lot of good food, I saw a completely different side of Hickory, and I have my books (treasures). 

A notion that has been with us since the Ancient Greeks is the concept of observation. Sometimes watching a subject and meditating about the subject can teach us a lot. It can be taken to a whole other level by experimentation. But for this musing, what I see repeatedly with suffice. 

The other day, someone pulled into the lot of my apartment block and caused a bit of a ruckus. It was some guy coming to pick up his girlfriend. Instead of going up to he door, knocking and asking if she was ready to go, he instead laid on his horn and screamed “Hey! Get your ass out here!" 

Its no secret that chivalry is dead and people like me that hold to it are anachronistic fools, but I am pretty sure that women killed it. A woman that chooses a man that treats her like shit like that is not an isolated incident. I have seen it happen all my life. It has even happened to me once. 

The incident in question was a girl had a choice between me and a guy from a rich family that drove a mustang. She made the logical choice: a guy who had everything over a guy who had nothing. Of course she used to complain that he treated her like crap and was forever pressuring her for sex and then telling her to get the hell out of his sight when she would not deliver. He was also about four years younger than she was. Last I heard, he beat her up, they broke up and now he is stalking her. Normally I would pity her but I don’t. She made her choice.

My mom and her sisters made same mistakes. That is why they divorced and started over. They all ended up with pieces of shit that were beneath them because they married for a good time. Except for Melinda, she married the only man that would tolerate her horrible ass. 

I see this happening all the time. Women ending up in abusive, codependent relationships with men who are just poison for them. I wonder. What the hell?

Of course these are just random ideas. I don’t think that women purposely want a man who treats them like shit. But, they don’t seem to want one that is nice to them. One of first weeks of college, I opened a door for a girl. My reward was to be called a "faggot-ass mama’s boy”. Her eyes were red as if she were crying and upset over something, so I think I was convenient target for pent up rage that needed venting. 

I know that I don’t expect to be instantly rewarded for being polite and that the world does not owe me anything, but is it really worth trying any more?

I agree with this. I have to die eventually! This can’t last forever can it?!

Its like James O'Barr said once. This is just something to endure. The end of the race is the prize.