Back in May, my asshole sister got out of jail. She did 5 and a half years for breaking into several houses in several counties in North Carolina and Virginia with her friends to trade the stuff they took for pain pills.

It almost drove my mom insane trying to keep contact with my sister’s kids. It was hurting her.

Now that my sister is out and got a sweet $15 an hour job through Goodwill, she is back on drugs again. And it looks like she’s going back to jail anytime now for violating her parole.

I don’t want my mom to go through this again but my sister is a hopeless sociopath. She has been staying with mom this whole time to “save money” for an apartment of her own but she has blown it all on drugs, booze and her new friends.

Part of me wishes that she had died in prison.

The 4th of July weekend was eventful, both for the good and the bad.

My mom came up to spend the day with me. Her and my stepdad got a hotel so we could go swimming. The first one advertised their pool open but it was not. She got her money back but stayed at another one. We spent the day together, went to dinner and watched the fireworks. She also got me a screen door for my apartment.

I would have spent three days with my mom but in the middle of what was supposed to be a three day my idiot boss scheduled me for a 4 hour shift. I barely worked but it ruined everything.

My DVD player died so I went to get a new one. The local K-Mart is going out of business so I thought it would be a good place to get one. I found a Curtis brand DVD player for $26. I thought it was the best I would do so I got it. I set it up and sure enough not only did it stop playing DVDs but also shorted out my flat screen TV!!! Now, no DVD player and no TV either.

I had to wait for the K-Mart store manager to come in to get it returned and they only gave me a gift card in exchange! So I used it to get a 16gb flash drive and a copy of “The Avengers” for my friend Hunter.

I then drove to Wal-Mart and they had a Sony DVD player for $30! If only I had not jumped at that crappy one I could have saved my self a lot of grief for just $4 more!

To paraphrase a quote Homer Simpson: “WHY MUST LIFE BE SO HARD?! WHY MUST I FAIL AT EVERY THING I DO?!”

Yesterday I went to the community college and picked up a packet of information and paperwork to fill out to attend. I have until the 1st of August to register for fall classes. Since I found out that I will not be made permanent until Lazy Ronald retires next April, it has given me a bit more motivation to get the hell out of there as soon as possible. I am going to turn it in on Monday and hopefully speak to an adviser on what I need to take. 

Speaking of work, the reason I was able to go because I had Thursday off from work. Since they have consolidated our departments for the summer, which is usual apparently, and it will continue into the fucking fall because their building is under renovation, is that in order to keep things “fair” they make everyone work a weekend day in exchange for a week day off. Which fucking sucks because you will never get two days off in a row. So if you want to go anywhere for more than a day you are fucked! If it where fair, they would not treat the people in our department do that and just the assholes that were brought in. 

Also I got into it with a girl I work with. One of the new positions created during the summer is a doorman like position where a person sits in a chair and waves everyone to the right entrance. I merely remarked that it was a nice change of pace from standing behind a counter for 8 hours and she went ballistic and started accusing me of accusing her of being lazy. I reminded her that she was and that I only knew what her ex-best friend told me and then I walked away. In typical crazy bitch fashion she started yelling at me across the main floor as I walked away. She then went into the head manager’s office and tried to get me in trouble. He did not believe her and knew that I meant no harm. The situation defused. Also, she got in trouble with the other supervisors for not respecting the chain of command and going over their heads. They said she is also on thin ice over snapping at other co-workers, lying about being pregnant and faking an injury. 

I also found out my friend Ms. Ruth got a new position and is moving to another department. I will miss her but she will visit and she will be better off than she was. She has a fair share of assholes to deal with, even more so because they give her hell for being Jewish and Canadian. She is the nicest and most generous person that I have ever worked with there. I already miss her.

And the last time I visited my mom she went on another tirade about the length of my hair and the way I am dressed. She kept trying to rationalize her disapproval by saying that I will be more successful with getting jobs that I am not qualified for and that girls will give me “a second look”. Not just any girls, the “girls at Wal-Mart”. Wow, mom. The number one place to pick up chicks. Especially with no teeth and no fucking future. My whole life I have been the invisible man. No one gives me a first look so why should I go out of my way to impress some superficial moron? Besides… I am happy to some extent the way I am! My love life is none of her God damned business. I barely have a social life because I went to school for five years and worked 7 days a week to keep MYSELF up the whole fucking time. I have only two real friends in this world and I cherish them for that and they are all I really need. 

I want out.

“One of these days I am going to tunnel out of this ocean of shit I’m in.”

Last night I was at home watching movies and got a call from my mom. She wanted to come and visit and I was all for it!

Unfortunately she called right before I was going to bed, so I had no time to clean my apartment. 

That aside, her visit came none too soon. As we left my place I noticed that the right rear tire on my car was flat. Luckily mom was there, with her help, an air tank and a can of fix-a-flat my car is now capable of getting me to the tire place to get it fixed come tomorrow morning. 

That aside, I treated her to dinner at a restaurant called Char, and then we walked up and down King Street looking at all the shops. After that, we went to the greenway trail so mom could see the ruins of the old power station from 1919. It looks like a ruin from the Spanish Civil War. It is a stone building with no roof, huge holes in its walls and trees and vines growing inside of it. I will have to photograph it and post it here. It was a site to see.

We also did some scavenging from some of the stuff put out by people who have moved out. So far, I have got an end table, two futons, some clothes and some tools.

It was a good weekend. I feel good about today.   

Around the 20th of February I filled my taxes and here it is almost 4 weeks later, I have yet to get it. I have not found anything wrong, and the IRS only lets you track it if you know the exact amount you are going to get back. Which is kind of stupid considering that most of us leave that to accountants and what have you, and they compile not only earnings, but the reams of tax receipts that I got by giving every thing I can to Goodwill.

I am counting on this money. I have been out of work for a week due to the break, so I am going to feel that at the end of the month. Another thing that pisses me off is that if it does not come by the end of the week, I can’t afford to go to the horror convention with Will. Also, I found a pistol in a pawn shop in Wilkesboro that is perfect and cheap. I laid it away but if I get my check, I can pay it off and try it out. 

Some more details of my mundane life since last I posted. I had no money to send anything to my mom for her birthday so I tried to avoid the issue until my next pay day. Between that and picking up the slack for my lazy bastard co-workers, I had to stay over 2 hours extra almost every day that week so I was exhausted. My mom called me and started telling some facetious, bitchy story of how she hoped I married some one who would remember shit so she would get fed when she is old because I am so fucking unreliable and forgetful. After making me fell like shit she hung up. What was I supposed to tell her? I came home home and went straight to bed that day because I was not allowed to leave work until I finished everything? That my co-workers did not show up?! That a 11 hour day was not tiring? Or that I didn’t have enough cash in my pocket to even send a card? Besides, cards and phone cards are just signs that you don’t care enough to send a real gift! Besides, I just love how she had to set me up and knock me down with that super hypothetical story! I wish, I wish to almighty God that she would do this shit to my dope-addict sister! Every time I slip up it is the end of the world. But a more realistic story would be her allowed to starve because her pill-head daughter and her scum bag boyfriend stole everything that wasn’t nailed down for pill money or slit her fucking throat to get it. Being emotionally neglected being the least of her worries! I am a college graduate with a not-to-glamorous but steady job and my sister is a degenerate drug addict that got her kids taken away from her, stole from family and stranger alike, and ended up in jail for 5 years. I think I am doing pretty God damned good for myself.

But, I could never do that to her and she knows it. She says that I am more like her in that we have a no-combative, gentle nature. Or it is more likely that we have a passive aggressive, bitchy nature. But the difference being that I can’t bring myself to hurt her like she hurts me. I am reminded of what Ms. Ruth, a kindly Jewish lady that I work for says. You always hut the ones you love, because they don’t abandon you as readily as others. For better or worse, you always come back. 

Fuck…

On a lighter note, After hunter visited and we watched “The 4th Kind”, I ordered a book about the Sumerian civilization, because I need to know more about them. Everyone should really, because of everything that they gave to us. 

Hopefully, my money will show up soon and I can actually have a little fun. Haru Nakajima is going to be at the convention. I need to thank him, his movies made my childhood so much more bearable. 

Sometimes I think my emotions are broken. 

I have known for some time that I am manic depressive. But, sometimes that does not explain some of the things I go through. Some times I cry for no reason and sometimes something happens that should upset me but doesn’t.

About 30 minutes ago my mother called me and told me that my great-aunt Polly had died. I don’t feel it yet, but I am sure that it will cause me to break down soon. It was kind of a forgone conclusion. Aunt Polly is 81 years old. Her health had been failing for some time. It was not that much of a surprise. I should feel upset right now because I loved aunt Polly to bits. Why do I not feel anything now? 

I am so fucked up that even I can’t believe it.

I traded in my gift cards at Barnes and Nobel finally. I came away with three new books. One is a collection of Cthulhu mythos stories, a Godzilla graphic novel and “The Last Unicorn” by Peter S. Beagle. That is an odd combination, but I made some tough choices, but the books I passed over I can get cheaper online. 

Mom went on a bit of a rampage when she realized how much time I had off from work for the holidays. She brought up the fact that a local restaurant needed waiters and waitresses for New Year’s Eve and how we both could have made money. WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO WORK ON NEW YEAR’S EVE?! I’ve done that before and it sucks ass! She also got on my case that I did not FIND A PART TIME JOB TO WORK DURING MY VACATION! Because by the time the application process is finished, I am back at my real job! On top of that she told me that I need to get a weekend job and it would not do for me to do anything else than apply online for a job at the local hospital. That is exactly what I need! Someone who works 8.5 hours a day, five days a week, with only weekends off and fucked up immune system needs to use up all their free time to work a minimum wage job in a fucking disease infested hospital. I just got over the flu. I have been sickly my whole life. If it is going around, I will catch it!

Like most of her unrealistic schemes I just nod my head and smile until she forgets it. She started acting like dad in that she gets super pissed over something that you cannot do or preform immediately because you are not doing it right then and there. Like getting mad at you for not going to the post office on Sunday… when it is closed!

Another thing was trying to get me to apply for jobs that I am not qualified for. She must have said “this looks good! Apply for it!” Even though it says you need a Master’s Degree and after 3 failed attempts to get in the damn program I took a break. 

Ugh… 

I wish she was this tough on my jailbird, junky sister. Maybe she would not have ended up in prison.

But I am complaining too much. We really did have a good time. I had a lot of good food, I saw a completely different side of Hickory, and I have my books (treasures). 

Well, the apocalypse didn’t come. Like I always said, if the Mayans could predict relentless civilization annihilating disasters, then how come they didn’t see the white people coming?

But a natural occurrence or a more annoying kind than the apocalypse has descended upon me: Snow. The wind is about howling and is blowing about 42 km/26 mph and its about 24F/-4C on top of that. I like gentle snows that just fall, not ones that come blasting into your face horizontally. 

My mom just called and said that she and my stepfather are in West Virginia on a trip. She never told me she was going, just hit me with the fact that she is in another state, still in the Appalachians though, but under worse conditions. I am worried for her safety, but I am worried that that is how she is going to spend Christmas. She has taken off on holidays before. By no means do I think that she is obligated to take me with her, but when my holiday plans are built around coming home, it kind of derails things to show up and only to find that she has already left without telling me.

I have come to a conclusion. People don’t hate Christmas, or any other Holiday for that matter, they hate their family. The holidays are the times when you are forced to be around them and that is the cause of the stress. Or, if your family shuns you or you isolate themselves from them, it causes depression. 

The other day I told my mom what the school psychologist told me, that I have manic depression and a anxiety disorder. I had avoided telling her for over a year because I was afraid of what she might say. It turns out I was right to. 

She told me if I had any problem its from sending too much time by myself. I do have friends and we hang out when we can, but not always because of class, work or studying. I am not really the type of person who goes out to clubs or bars or anything. She told me that in a few years I would be out of school and working full time and that would not permit me time to have “mood swings” or to “feel sorry for myself”, as she put it. I tried to explain what manic depression was but she didn’t understand. She told me that a routine would help me. This being get up, go to work, go to bed, as opposed to get up, go to class, go to work, go to bed and repeat. In the same conversation she told me that something had been occupying my attention and “taking over my life”. I can’t think of what that could be. Literally, it is nothing because when I do have time off, I don’t know what to do with myself. I only have my routine. I’m not sure how substituting one routine for another will help me, but she does not seem to know what a mental illness is or how to cope with it.

After she told me her solution to my problem, she told me to make perfectly sure that I do not tell anyone because it would be embarrassing to me and the rest of the family, and last thing I needed was for people to think I was crazy. It would only serve to make me look like “a fool”. She told she would call back later, she was getting ready to leave for the outer banks and she just did “not want to have to deal with this right now”. 

I am starting to realize how alone I really am.