As weird as it is. I’ve been there. It just happens.

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me…

I was born this day at 2:13 AM. They said I came out with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. I guess even from that very young age I had no will to live.

I look back and think, where did all that time go? Did I waste it? Why do I feel so old and worn out?

Not to say that there are no bright spots. But they are stars in the void of the night sky. So isolated and small. Ready to be swallowed up. But I guess I take comfort that even though they are small and striving to survive, where there was just a black void, there is now a million points of light. So I guess they are winning.

I love having manic depression. Every day is a roller coaster of emotion.

My public school experience summed up in two pictures.

Yesterday I went to the community college and picked up a packet of information and paperwork to fill out to attend. I have until the 1st of August to register for fall classes. Since I found out that I will not be made permanent until Lazy Ronald retires next April, it has given me a bit more motivation to get the hell out of there as soon as possible. I am going to turn it in on Monday and hopefully speak to an adviser on what I need to take. 

Speaking of work, the reason I was able to go because I had Thursday off from work. Since they have consolidated our departments for the summer, which is usual apparently, and it will continue into the fucking fall because their building is under renovation, is that in order to keep things “fair” they make everyone work a weekend day in exchange for a week day off. Which fucking sucks because you will never get two days off in a row. So if you want to go anywhere for more than a day you are fucked! If it where fair, they would not treat the people in our department do that and just the assholes that were brought in. 

Also I got into it with a girl I work with. One of the new positions created during the summer is a doorman like position where a person sits in a chair and waves everyone to the right entrance. I merely remarked that it was a nice change of pace from standing behind a counter for 8 hours and she went ballistic and started accusing me of accusing her of being lazy. I reminded her that she was and that I only knew what her ex-best friend told me and then I walked away. In typical crazy bitch fashion she started yelling at me across the main floor as I walked away. She then went into the head manager’s office and tried to get me in trouble. He did not believe her and knew that I meant no harm. The situation defused. Also, she got in trouble with the other supervisors for not respecting the chain of command and going over their heads. They said she is also on thin ice over snapping at other co-workers, lying about being pregnant and faking an injury. 

I also found out my friend Ms. Ruth got a new position and is moving to another department. I will miss her but she will visit and she will be better off than she was. She has a fair share of assholes to deal with, even more so because they give her hell for being Jewish and Canadian. She is the nicest and most generous person that I have ever worked with there. I already miss her.

And the last time I visited my mom she went on another tirade about the length of my hair and the way I am dressed. She kept trying to rationalize her disapproval by saying that I will be more successful with getting jobs that I am not qualified for and that girls will give me “a second look”. Not just any girls, the “girls at Wal-Mart”. Wow, mom. The number one place to pick up chicks. Especially with no teeth and no fucking future. My whole life I have been the invisible man. No one gives me a first look so why should I go out of my way to impress some superficial moron? Besides… I am happy to some extent the way I am! My love life is none of her God damned business. I barely have a social life because I went to school for five years and worked 7 days a week to keep MYSELF up the whole fucking time. I have only two real friends in this world and I cherish them for that and they are all I really need. 

I want out.

“One of these days I am going to tunnel out of this ocean of shit I’m in.”

So, my first week of being temporarily laid off is going uneventfully. I really don’t know what to do with myself with time off. Once again, going to school and working every minute of free time leaves me not knowing what to do with myself. I wish I owned a bicycle and knew how to ride it. Maybe I could do some exploring.

I got caught up on watching the movies I have back logged. “The Innkeepers” scared the hell out of me. 

They are doing construction at my apartment to get rid of the rotting wooden retaining wall. So I am woken up at 8 every morning by the entire building shaking from the earth moving equipment. If you don’t move your car by 9 they will block you in all day.

I got some texts last night from Hunter. That was a real morale boost. I felt bad because I missed the first one she sent because I slept from 3 to 9 and missed the first one. It was nice hearing from her. 

The unemployment office says that I can draw $175 a week. Not a huge amount but enough to buy groceries and help pay the rent. It makes me want to start attending nursing school as soon as possible. I am sick of squeaking by with my current dead-end job. I saw Dennis at the free clinic Saturday. He told me that before he retired, he was making 80K a year nursing. I want to do that. I just need to apply for the classes and the grants. Why in the hell did I go into political science? It is only practical if you are going to teach, and I hate children anyway. 

Another thing pissing me off is that my computer is running slow. It is that special kind of slow that makes if freeze and the line of text that you were just typing shoots across the screen before freezing the fuck up again. Tumblr gifs make it go crazy. I hate technology. It is wonderful when it wants to work. I also need to get off my ass and get an internet connection. I just have my own weird anxiety things that makes me want to put it off.

Sometimes it is just not worth getting out of bed.

psychofactz:

More Facts on Psychofacts :)

The fact that I can’t remember my dreams or if I have stopped dreaming all together is depressing as hell. The dream world has become as bleak as the waking world.

Well, the apocalypse didn’t come. Like I always said, if the Mayans could predict relentless civilization annihilating disasters, then how come they didn’t see the white people coming?

But a natural occurrence or a more annoying kind than the apocalypse has descended upon me: Snow. The wind is about howling and is blowing about 42 km/26 mph and its about 24F/-4C on top of that. I like gentle snows that just fall, not ones that come blasting into your face horizontally. 

My mom just called and said that she and my stepfather are in West Virginia on a trip. She never told me she was going, just hit me with the fact that she is in another state, still in the Appalachians though, but under worse conditions. I am worried for her safety, but I am worried that that is how she is going to spend Christmas. She has taken off on holidays before. By no means do I think that she is obligated to take me with her, but when my holiday plans are built around coming home, it kind of derails things to show up and only to find that she has already left without telling me.

I have come to a conclusion. People don’t hate Christmas, or any other Holiday for that matter, they hate their family. The holidays are the times when you are forced to be around them and that is the cause of the stress. Or, if your family shuns you or you isolate themselves from them, it causes depression. 

The other day I told my mom what the school psychologist told me, that I have manic depression and a anxiety disorder. I had avoided telling her for over a year because I was afraid of what she might say. It turns out I was right to. 

She told me if I had any problem its from sending too much time by myself. I do have friends and we hang out when we can, but not always because of class, work or studying. I am not really the type of person who goes out to clubs or bars or anything. She told me that in a few years I would be out of school and working full time and that would not permit me time to have “mood swings” or to “feel sorry for myself”, as she put it. I tried to explain what manic depression was but she didn’t understand. She told me that a routine would help me. This being get up, go to work, go to bed, as opposed to get up, go to class, go to work, go to bed and repeat. In the same conversation she told me that something had been occupying my attention and “taking over my life”. I can’t think of what that could be. Literally, it is nothing because when I do have time off, I don’t know what to do with myself. I only have my routine. I’m not sure how substituting one routine for another will help me, but she does not seem to know what a mental illness is or how to cope with it.

After she told me her solution to my problem, she told me to make perfectly sure that I do not tell anyone because it would be embarrassing to me and the rest of the family, and last thing I needed was for people to think I was crazy. It would only serve to make me look like “a fool”. She told she would call back later, she was getting ready to leave for the outer banks and she just did “not want to have to deal with this right now”. 

I am starting to realize how alone I really am.