Dead bird

I was walking home and I saw him on the side of the street. I think he got hit by a car.

Dead bird.

I found a dead cardinal outside today. I don’t know what happened to him, but it must have been very horrific to leave in such a state, cut in two like that. Now that spring is under way, it is kind of disheartening to find the birds torn asunder like this and not singing. 

The monsoon has ended and the damage could have been a whole hell of a lot worse. I think I was scared more than anything. Which is weird when i think about it. I have never really been afraid of death before. I have been in car crashes and been attacked by dogs but the flood scared me far more. I am not afraid to admit that for almost as long as I can remember I have been suicidal, I have just never acted on it. Maybe it is that it could have been a death that was not on my terms. Or, maybe it proves that I won’t ever kill myself because I am such a craven coward. Or perhaps it is the method. Drowning is a very traumatic, not fast but not that slow means of dying rather than the quick painlessness of giving my Tokarev a blow job. I don’t know. Maybe a brush with death made me feel more alive. But I always remember how crappy and pointless my existence is. 

There is one girl, she knows who she is, who I would keep going for. She knows that if she leaves this world I will follow her into the next immediately after. 

I guess she is my strength that way.