Crazy, toys in the attic. I am crazy.
Crazy, over the rainbow. I am crazy.
More from George A Romero’s “The Crazies”.
In a strange way for me, the gas masks and all white NBC suits don’t dehumanize the soldiers to me. Their deaths seem even more the horrifying when they can’t express their pain and when those white suits are stained with blood
Vacation winding down
I traded in my gift cards at Barnes and Nobel finally. I came away with three new books. One is a collection of Cthulhu mythos stories, a Godzilla graphic novel and “The Last Unicorn” by Peter S. Beagle. That is an odd combination, but I made some tough choices, but the books I passed over I can get cheaper online.
Mom went on a bit of a rampage when she realized how much time I had off from work for the holidays. She brought up the fact that a local restaurant needed waiters and waitresses for New Year’s Eve and how we both could have made money. WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO WORK ON NEW YEAR’S EVE?! I’ve done that before and it sucks ass! She also got on my case that I did not FIND A PART TIME JOB TO WORK DURING MY VACATION! Because by the time the application process is finished, I am back at my real job! On top of that she told me that I need to get a weekend job and it would not do for me to do anything else than apply online for a job at the local hospital. That is exactly what I need! Someone who works 8.5 hours a day, five days a week, with only weekends off and fucked up immune system needs to use up all their free time to work a minimum wage job in a fucking disease infested hospital. I just got over the flu. I have been sickly my whole life. If it is going around, I will catch it!
Like most of her unrealistic schemes I just nod my head and smile until she forgets it. She started acting like dad in that she gets super pissed over something that you cannot do or preform immediately because you are not doing it right then and there. Like getting mad at you for not going to the post office on Sunday… when it is closed!
Another thing was trying to get me to apply for jobs that I am not qualified for. She must have said “this looks good! Apply for it!” Even though it says you need a Master’s Degree and after 3 failed attempts to get in the damn program I took a break.
Ugh…
I wish she was this tough on my jailbird, junky sister. Maybe she would not have ended up in prison.
But I am complaining too much. We really did have a good time. I had a lot of good food, I saw a completely different side of Hickory, and I have my books (treasures).
Toys in the Attic
The other day I told my mom what the school psychologist told me, that I have manic depression and a anxiety disorder. I had avoided telling her for over a year because I was afraid of what she might say. It turns out I was right to.
She told me if I had any problem its from sending too much time by myself. I do have friends and we hang out when we can, but not always because of class, work or studying. I am not really the type of person who goes out to clubs or bars or anything. She told me that in a few years I would be out of school and working full time and that would not permit me time to have “mood swings” or to “feel sorry for myself”, as she put it. I tried to explain what manic depression was but she didn’t understand. She told me that a routine would help me. This being get up, go to work, go to bed, as opposed to get up, go to class, go to work, go to bed and repeat. In the same conversation she told me that something had been occupying my attention and “taking over my life”. I can’t think of what that could be. Literally, it is nothing because when I do have time off, I don’t know what to do with myself. I only have my routine. I’m not sure how substituting one routine for another will help me, but she does not seem to know what a mental illness is or how to cope with it.
After she told me her solution to my problem, she told me to make perfectly sure that I do not tell anyone because it would be embarrassing to me and the rest of the family, and last thing I needed was for people to think I was crazy. It would only serve to make me look like “a fool”. She told she would call back later, she was getting ready to leave for the outer banks and she just did “not want to have to deal with this right now”.
I am starting to realize how alone I really am.
