normal-horoscopes:

1 - The Righteous Anger Addict - These are your ultravegans, diehard PETA members, some antivaxxers, and misguided activists. Anger is motivating, especially when its founded in something ostensibly just. The Righteous Anger Addict fixates on a genuine injustice in the world and blows it out of proportion to the point where any amount of anger is justified. Common targets are pharmaceutical companies, medical care providers, agribusiness, and the livestock industry. All things deserving of criticism, which makes them ideal wells of outrage. The Righteous Anger Addict feels ineffectual, but finds power and community in sharing articles and talking with other activists. Their identity is tied to being increasingly “anti-x”, which traps them in a sort of ideological limbo. They find power in ruthless criticism of both “x“ and their less zealous companions. This is a double edged sword. Any action on their part opens them up to that very same criticism.

2 - The Alienated Daydreamer - These are your starseeds, your indigo children, your Lemurian descendants. Above everything, the Alienated Daydreamer has a desire to feel special. They feel different. They’re not like everyone else. Be it undiagnosed medical issues and the failure of the capitalist medical industry, the general loneliness of late capitalism, or just that their friends all got married and moved across the country, the Alienated Daydreamer feels detached from the world. When one day, they read an internet article telling them they’re lonely because their aura is a rare new color that repels other people, or they’re actually an alien-human hybrid, or they’re a descendant of a proto-human civilization, it suddenly all makes sense. Their vague and implacable dissatisfaction with the world is validated, they really aren’t supposed to be here, they really are meant for better things.

3 - The Smug Insider - These are your flat earthers, your light shadow-governmenters, your pseudo-scientists. The smug insider is deeply terrified of a world that seems to be ruled by forces and organizations beyond their understanding. The institutions they were supposed to trust have failed them in a personal way. But they followed the rabbit. They read the right articles. They know whats happening while all these “sheeple” don’t and it makes them better. They’re on the inside, privy to all the hidden secrets that explain everything, and you’re not. Having insider knowledge makes one feel powerful, in-control. It gives the smug insider a sense of stability in a world they struggle to understand.

4 - The Disillusioned Nihilist - These are your doomers, your apocalypse cultists, your incels. The Disillusioned Nihilist has completely given up on believing in anything. The have been taken advantage of, stepped on, and disparaged from all sides. Their search for answers, if they ever really searched, has only been met with what feels like more vultures hungry for their time, money, and emotional energy. Faced with the imperfections of humanity, they have simply decided it should all burn, and resigned themselves to quietly hoping for it to end.

5 - The Disillusioned Daydreamer - These are your Qanon guys, your FEMA death-campers, your millitia larpers. The American dream has failed them. They were promised that if they worked hard and saved their money they could open a successful independent business selling motorcycles. They make decent money, but the IRS is on their ass for unpaid business loans. The roads are crumbling, the economy is tanking, and men are wearing skirts. Things are falling apart. But they have free time and income. Within the world of conspiracy, they are the main character. They are the last line of defense between the good sweet American people and the terrorist satanist communist europeans. They’re important. They were never lied to. They were right all along. The enemy is around every corner and just waiting for them to slip up.

6 - The Self-Hating Daydreamer - These are your pickup artists, your gays-in-denial, your alternative medicine and self-help obsessives. The Self-Hating Daydreamer is characterized by the idea that they are broken and need to be fixed. Where the Alienated Daydreamer seeks external validation, the Self-Hating Daydreamer seeks internal validation. They can’t be special, because nobody is special. Where the Disillusioned Daydreamer romanticizes rebellion and resistance, the Self-Hating daydreamer does not want to believe that their problems could come from anything but themselves. Issues like systemic injustice feel insurmountable, but they can change themselves. They believe themselves to be a burden on the world. Accepting any sort of assistance is weakness. If they can just find the right words, the right persona, the right nutrient regimen, they can finally feel like a person again.

7 - The Cynical Grifter - Your Ben Shapiros, Jordan Petersons, and PragerUs. The pundits just here for the speaking fees. Every once in a while Ben Shapiro will say something. If you watch closely, you can watch him realize that what he’s saying is complete horseshit. For a split second, you can watch him remember that he wanted to run a bakery, that he never wanted any of this. You can see all those old memories well up. All the directions his life could have taken. What is he doing? Why is he saying this shit? Is this what he wants? You can watch him remember where he is. That he has bills to pay. That he has to wake up tomorrow for another day of being Ben Shapiro. You can watch the light die in his eyes. The Cynical Grifter genuinely hates their target of choice, but they also hate their audience. The Cynical Grifter sees their audience as stupid and easily tricked, but with their hearts in the right place.

8 - The UnCynical Grifter - Your Alex Jones and Steven Crowders. Any semblance of attempting to appear reasonable or rational is out of the window. It is eternally unclear how much Jones actually believes in what hes saying. Its clear he thinks there is some sort of conspiracy happening, but he is also very cognizant that he is running a business. The line between grifter and sincere believer is blurred. These are the pundits where you could get fired for wearing their merch.

9 - The Not-So-Cryptofascist - Your sandyhook truthers, anti-globalists, your genuine militia members. The point of no return, the final evolution of a conspiracy theorist. The layers of veiled metaphors and post-post-post irony are falling away, and “They control the world” has become “(((They))) control the world.”