The monsoon has ended and the damage could have been a whole hell of a lot worse. I think I was scared more than anything. Which is weird when i think about it. I have never really been afraid of death before. I have been in car crashes and been attacked by dogs but the flood scared me far more. I am not afraid to admit that for almost as long as I can remember I have been suicidal, I have just never acted on it. Maybe it is that it could have been a death that was not on my terms. Or, maybe it proves that I won’t ever kill myself because I am such a craven coward. Or perhaps it is the method. Drowning is a very traumatic, not fast but not that slow means of dying rather than the quick painlessness of giving my Tokarev a blow job. I don’t know. Maybe a brush with death made me feel more alive. But I always remember how crappy and pointless my existence is. 

There is one girl, she knows who she is, who I would keep going for. She knows that if she leaves this world I will follow her into the next immediately after. 

I guess she is my strength that way.