I think I’ve gotten to a point were I am honestly incapable of being nice to people.

At work, I am so surrounded by cruelty and sarcasm that my first reaction to any human contact is defensive. I feel compelled to either escape, ignore, react with hostility toward any human contact because I always expect them to be mean or insincere. 

Just today I walked into a restaurant and someone said, “Hey person! I like your coat!”. ( I wear a coat covered with patches)

Barely looking at her I just said “thank you” and placed my order. I could hear her and her friends talking about the coat and I thought that they were going to be nasty about it. But to my complete shock, they actually said something nice in their conversation and the girl who initiated contact got excited that I had a pony patch on one of my sleeves.

I met her over by the drink fountain and we started talking. She was rather amazed at the story of how I got it and we chatted a bit. She asked me if I had a facebook and I said no because the truth is that I don’t like putting that much information about myself online, but I should have mentioned Tumblr. We said our goodbyes and parted company.

And then I felt so terribly empty inside. She was a sweet girl and she carried a cane because she was partially blind. I don’t know to what extent. She was polite and curious and I felt that I was not polite enough in return. I hope I did not ruin her afternoon.

I felt I should have been nicer. Maybe ever offered her and her friends a ride so they did not have to walk in the rain. I wonder, is something deathly wrong with me.

Am I that asocial or am I just so used to being on the receiving end of so much torment that I have lost touch with humanity?

I feel sick that I may have been unjustly rude to her and that I could have made a friend for life.

I guess I will never know.