In saving Dom – for the time being at least – Boris had tossed away the credibility of his own government. He has been stripped bare and exposed as not very bright, lacking in judgment and completely amoral. Within an hour, he had not only defended the indefensible, he had basically told the nation they were free to do as they please. If there is a second coronavirus peak, Boris will have even more blood on his hands. He’d even made Shapps’s TV appearances look vaguely statesmanlike. That bad. At a time of national crisis, we have a prime minister who makes Henry Kissinger look worthy of a Nobel peace prize. Satire is now dead. …
So you know when you’re out walking in the street and all of a sudden you can just tell that you’ve stepped in chewing gum, because your shoe feels oddly sticky, but there’s nowhere for you to wipe the gum off, so you have to wait until you get home and then you pull off your shoe and there’s just this huge, amorphous blob of shit-and-saliva coated gum, and it clings to all the grooves in the tread of your shoe and it takes half a roll of toilet paper to get it off, and you just wish you were never born? That’s Dominic Cummings.
To sum up why I want him to fuck himself with something hard and sandpapery:
He was one of the devious, morally bankrupt fuckstains who was responsible for the Vote Leave campaign in 2015-16, which (unfortunately) successfully campaigned for Britain to leave the EU, and was later found to have broken electoral law by spending more than its campaign budget and funnelling it through allied campaigns. It was also fined for improperly collecting people’s phone numbers and spamming them with political texts. He was later found to be in contempt of Parliament for refusing to take part in an investigation about whether the campaign had relied on fake news during the referendum. He was also later revealed to be a huge hyposhit, which is a portmanteau I just coined to describe a hypocrite who is also a complete unremovable shitstain, when it was reported that he’d taken over €200k of EU subsidies to manage his land.
He was the Special Advisor to Michael Gove before this, a man who consists of approximately 98% tapioca and 2% spine. When he was the Secretary for Education and Cummings was his advisor, Gove completely decimated England’s education system and made working conditions practically untenable for teachers. Cummings’ complete lack of moral fabric was pretty famous within his own party, with even Mr Fuckthepoor himself, David Cameron, referring to him as a ’career psychopath’. When another psychopath is calling you a psychopath and doesn’t mean it as a compliment, you’re probably a bit of a shit.
In July 2019, when sentient gargoyle wrapped in ham Boris Johnson became Prime Minister, he made Dominic Cummings his Senior Advisor. It soon became pretty apparent that he was untouchable in this role after he fired (read: had her frogmarched out of Parliament by literal armed police) Sonia Khan, an aide to Sajid Javid, without asking Sajid Javid’s permission, something he wasn’t actually allowed to do, and then, instead of giving him a thorough telling off for overstepping, Boris Johnson gave him retroactive powers to fire anyone he wanted. This pattern of Cummings blatantly acting outside of his sphere of responsibility and indeed permission and then being backed up by the Prime Minister came to a big ol’ motherfucking head this week WHEN
Dominic Cummings, a man who thinks a ‘soul’ is just a different way to spell the bottom part of a foot, broke the lockdown rules of the UK by driving his wife, who was symptomatic with COVID-19, and child 260 miles from London to Durham. Despite the official line being that anyone with symptoms was to quarantine themselves, Cummings decided to drive halfway up the fucking country for ‘childcare reasons’, obviously stopping at services along the way, because apparently Typhoid Mary is one of his idols, I guess. This is blatantly a fireable offence, not least because another minister resigned for breaking lockdown rules recently, which was met with stern grumbles of ‘yeah, you NEED to resign, you terrible ingrate’ from just about every Tory minister. However, instead of pressuring Cummings to resign or punting him into the sun, Johnson defended him, saying he had ‘followed his fatherly instincts’ (a hilarious defence, seeing as Johnson’s own fatherly compass is pretty fucking broken) and acted with 'integrity’. Some fellow MPs, notably Health Secretary Matt Hancock, who’d chided Ferguson for breaking lockdown rules, defended Cummings on Twitter, trotting out lines about what a great father he was and how people are just being MEAN to a WORKING FATHER, and it became pretty apparent that Cummings was not going to face any sort of reprimand at all.
Shit, my friends, hit the proverbial goddamn fan. People rightly pointed out that thousands of people across the country had been unable to follow their 'fatherly instincts’ because they’d chosen to follow the, uh, actual law instead (tw for death of a child in that link.) There is some evidence that he may have travelled to grieve his dead uncle with his family, which, while VERY SAD, is a total slap in the face to people who have been unable to grieve their dead relatives with their family because they’ve followed restrictions (in the UK, funerals are limited to very few attendees, wakes are banned, burials can’t be attended, and you can’t visit dying people in the hospital.) Thousands of people have missed the deaths of their loved ones, or been a single parent and had to care for a child while symptomatic, or not seen their children whilst ill, or had to grieve a death alone. Essentially, by defending and exonerating Cummings, the government has told these people 'we know we said you couldn’t hold your dying mother’s hand / care for your sick child / visit your ill relatives / grieve as a family, but… turns out you could’ve, lol!’
Now, there are calls from some rare Tories who evolved to have a spine for Cummings to be fired, the whole country is basically saying 'well, if he can do it, then why can’t I?’ and threatening to break lockdown, and we’re all wondering exactly what kind of saucy photos Cummings clearly has of Boris Johnson for him to be so ridiculously untouchable. You could tip a whole (EU subsidised) farm’s worth of manure on Cummings and none of it would stick, except this manure also carries a deadly virus. It’s super.
So, tl;dr, he’s Typhoid Mary who knows all of Boris Johnson’s darkest secrets and isn’t afraid to use them.
This is an excellent sum up of why Gollumy Scummings is one of the worst shit stains in English politics today and why we are spitting mad about the whole affair.
There are also allegations that, not only did the pissgargling bastard travel the 260 miles up with his infected wife but also that they took various days out while there to leisure spots up to 30 miles away. Some of which have credence because a witness reported the licence plate of the car to the police and Cummings has been seen driving that car before. All whilst the official government rules were to STAY HOME and SAVE THE NHS. (No links to sources because I’m on mobile but it’s all over the UK newspapers. Sky news broke the story about the car licence plate)
So yeah. The message from Boris Johnson and his crony Tories is loud and clear:
a) that description of Michael Gove is spot on and will be forever how I see him, and
b) I only have this image of Dominic on file
[Alt text: Gif of Dominic Cummings’ face superimposed over Nosferatu’s face, as he emerges from a basement, creepily]
Oh, and if you’re wondering how badly they’re doing with this: they’ve held 3 press conferences addressing this, and every time the public has come back and said ‘nah he’s a twat, sack him’. Yet they keep holding more press conferences to defend their stance. It’s got so bad that the Daily Mail* is no longer supporting them.
No really they lost them.
[Alt Text: Daily Mail front page for 25th May 2020. Headline reads “What Planet Are They On?” in large capital letters, alongside two large photos of Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings.]
Then after the press conference last night, some legend tweeted this from the official UK Civil Service account. They deleted it quickly, but not quick enough for the internet.
[Alt text: Tweet from the official UK Civil Service account that reads ‘Arrogant and offensive. Can you imagine having to work with these truth twisters?’]
*if anyone was wondering whether well known bland racist Christmas ham Piers Morgan was supporting this, then the answer is no, absolutely not. He’s been railing against the government for weeks that they’re doing a terrible job. Which is honest to god really confusing and I don’t know what to think anymore.
Legitimately, this guy is holding a press conference this afternoon to explain himself, and he’s not even an elected official. But now it’s clear who controls this government, and it’s not our ham wrapped gargoyle of a Prime Minister.
I really must apologise for extending the post so that it’s now even longer than Demonic Cummings’ completely unnecessary jaunt to Durham, but I feel like I am now morally obligated to provide a rundown of what went down at that aforementioned press conference, because I watched it barefoot whilst yelling insults around a mug cake in the kitchen and honestly I’m just mad that I cooked the mug cake before I turned on the press conference, because I could have saved some money on the electricity bill by cooking it with the sheer heat of my incandescent rage:
Firstly, he was more than half an hour late, which really did set the tone of complete disrespect and disdain that he clearly intended, so kudos to him for knowing how to make an entrance, just like any supervillain should.
His primary defence was literally ‘the public aren’t angry because I made this trip; they’re angry because of the way the media reported on it, and I think they’ll calm down once they hear my side of things.’ Reader, we did not calm down. Cummings has a long and storied history of taking a leaf out of Trump’s book (not one of his ghostwritten ones) and blaming the fake news media for everything, and unfortunately it’s worked out pretty well for him so far, but it completely fell flat this time as journalist after journalist bombarded him with proof, accusations and questions that made even me, someone who would suck my own tears back into my face if I was cutting onions next to Dominic Cummings on fire, wince.
His other defence was ‘I had to leave my house because people don’t like me and I didn’t feel safe in my house, and that’s why I lied and said that I was in London the entire time,’ which does rather beg the question of why our taxes go towards providing government security, to be honest. Maybe we could have put all that money towards PPE after all.
Another hilarious defence was ‘when I made the 45 minute drive to visit Barnard Castle, sat there for 15 minutes, spoke to a passer-by, then had a little stroll in the woods with my wife and child on the way home, I was actually just testing my eyesight to see if I could make the longer drive back home,’ which is simply comedy gold on several levels: firstly because it’s illegal in the UK to drive a vehicle if you’re worried about your eyesight; and secondly because if your metric for whether you’re safe to drive or not is ‘can I see that bloody stonking great castle in front of me?’ then you’re probably not actually safe to drive. Essentially, he blatantly went out for a little jaunt and is now trying to make up an excuse, but I’m quite disappointed that ‘I was testing my two eyeballs’ was the best that a man who frequently lies for a living could come up with.
He also says that if anyone feels betrayed by his actions and decides to follow his example and break lockdown rules, it’s the fault of the media (exact quote: the coverage over the past couple of days could encourage people to behave in a certain way) which is not so much passing the buck as spotting the buck on the distant horizon and taking a 260 mile detour to avoid it.
Above all, he flatly stated several times that he had never offered to resign or even considered resigning, and that he thinks the public will see his side of things after the press conference, which seems optimistic, considering that Twitter is currently overflowing with more bile than a leak at the urology ward. He’s currently trending with the hashtag #cumgate, which is quite funny but I think also a little unfair, because semen is at least responsible for bringing life into the world, whereas Dominic Cummings literally endangered lives so that he could look at a castle.
Perhaps the most disappointing element of all was that this is how he deigned to dress:
[Image description: Dominic Cummings at the press conference in the garden of 10 Downing Street, dressed casually in a white shirt with no tie, the top few buttons undone, and the sleeves rolled up to his elbows]
Which as anyone knows is absolutely not how a burgeoning supervillain should comport oneself. He should, at the very least, have worn a cape.
“The future social organization should be carried out from the bottom up… It is only then that the true, life-giving social order of liberty and general welfare will come into being, a social order which, far from restricting, will affirm and reconcile the interests of individuals and of society.”
— Mikhail Bakunin, “The Paris Commune and the Idea of the State” (via philosophybits)
